190. The ultimate guide to what _not_ to put on a resume...
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples:
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and
my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising
and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
734. Brother Bill lived with his brother Bob. Brother Bill was a cripple,
and had to use crutches to get around, so brother Bob decided to take
his brother Bill, on a trip to Europe, which he had desired for some
Upon returning to the USA, they were met by a reporter, to interview the
brothers to hear of their travels.
"So," brother Bob, says, "went to the leaning tower of Pizza, went all
the way to the top, and it was a beautifl sight."
The reporter asks, "Did brother Bill get to go?"
Bob states, "No, he's cripple ya know."
Then he states that they went to Paris, to visit the Eiffle Tower and
got to go all the way top.
The reporter asks, "Did brother Bill get to go with you?"
Bob says, "No, he's cripple ya know."
They then stoped by the vatican, in which they were able to meet the
Pope, who at the time was giving a formal service. Brother Bill walked
up to the Pope with the help of his crutches. The Pope touched brother
Bill on the left shoulder, and his left crutch went flyin off to the
left. He then touched brother Bill on the right shoulder, and his right
crutch just went flyin off that way.
At this point, the reporter asked, "Well, did brother Bill walk after
Brother Bob answers, "No, as a matter of fact, brother Bill fell on his
ass. He's cripple ya know."
863. Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man
finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his
hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels
before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated
from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the
University of California and they taught us to be environmentally
The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said:
"I graduated from Penn State and they taught us not to pee on our